Had a perfectly delightful lunch with Julie L. yesterday. We went to SeaOaks and had no sooner walked into the dining room than I was hailed by Jack B. Introduced him, we chatted, then he went off with his buddy to the links.
Julie and I spent two hours over lunch (the usual for me, Cobb salad for her), then talked and talked on the way home and outside her house. We had had a slight--well, not exactly falling out, but a coolness that had occurred between us a few years ago and we're both happy it's now melted. She's a rather forceful, outspoken person who sometimes oversteps and I, of course, am just the soul of saintly, long-suffering...okay, we're a lot alike.
After dinner, I went with Leslie to the "Loss Support Group." There were more there than last time--13 people, all women--and the majority of the newcomers had lost spouses through death or divorce. They're good people and it's a helpful group, I guess, but there were times when it was depressing to hear their sad tales. They were all in their fifties or sixties and I was especially struck by the dependency they expressed. They lamented that their departed (one way or the other) husbands had handled all the money parts of their joint lives, including paying all the bills, seeing to taxes, and generally taking charge of their financial affairs. In addition, the men dealt with tradespeople, were usually always the drivers when they were together, and were the final arbiters of major decisions. Now the abandoned wives are overwhelmed because "he always handled everything; I never knew how to do all that."
This kind of thing always makes me feel alone and different--and just the teeniest bit superior. I do all that stuff now, of course, but not just since Pat's been sick; I've been doing it for years. That includes not only the personal realm, but when Pat had his business, I did all his billing and bookkeeping.
What in the world is wrong with these women that they allowed these situations to go on? Have the years of feminism and conscienceness-raising had no effect at all? Didn't they ever realize they'd have to leave the "little woman" world someday and grow up? Guess not.
Sister-in-Law Therese called while I was out and left the message with Pat that brother Jim will be operated on today. I fervently hope and expect that he'll recover soon and be good to go for another 82 years.
3 comments:
Rosemary,
I understand how women can fall into that role. Two people can't be doing the same thing. I am quite capable of doing the taxes, investing our money etc, but Rich does it. Why? I don't want to. I'm sure I could do it again.
I can call call tradespeople and often do, but often he likes to do it.
In recent years I have taken an interest in our financial situation....listing everything and where it is located. I would not have had any idea if I hadn't done so.
Early in a marriage individuals take on roles as part of the 'division of labor'. The roles become fixed. Many women handle the finances in households and many choose not to.
I never changed the oil in any of our cars or did minor repairs....Rich's daughter can do those things...I never wanted to do so.
I think the women to be pitied are the ones who are not allowed to know the finances, write a check, call the plumber etc. Some women 'want to be taken care of' so to speak and our culture made it so.
The thing that is difficult for such women when they lose the person who did those role tasks is CHANGE. They now must do what they did not want to do, and change can be painful. Again, the women who were subservient (by choice or force) seem to have the most difficulty with this change in role.
When/if something happens to Rich I will hate to have to take the car for inspection, change the filters in the house, and myriad other things he now does....but I'm sure I will be able to do it. What I'll miss most is having a 'soulmate'.
I got the strong impression that these women--all of them--believed the man was "meant" to do the important things (finances, etc.) and the woman was the helpmate who cooked and kept the house clean for him. I can understand letting the man take care of finances, but these women were completely ignorant, especially the one whose husband left. Guess hubby didn't want her to bother her pretty little head. Now she's screwed.
I agree.
There are also men who marry right away after their spouse dies.....they often times want a 'housekeeper'.
Many wouldn't know how to fry and egg...like one of my bros. I bet he could if wanted to...however, that is 'women's work'. Hope nothing happens to his wife because he's too ill to find another caregiver.
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