The Assess Van got me to Ellen's a little before noon. After hanging out for a while, we left for Santa Barbara and the Boat House restaurant. Carolyn came shortly after and we settled in:
The food was yummy and so was the hazy IPA. After a leisurely meal, we left for Villa Alamar, where Betty has lived for the past several years. At the same time I wanted to see her, I dreaded it--a strange mix of emotions which others who have known alzheimers too intimately must feel.
Betty no longer knows who I am, nor does she speak, except occasinally in a garbled way. Attendents puree her food and feed her, but even so, she's lost a lot of weight. She doesn't walk, but is in a wheelchair permanently now.
We stayed for about an hour and Ellen, Carolyn, and I played gin rummy while Betty watched. That may seem like a peculiar thing to do, but why not? Betty doesn't know anything that's going on and, though we didn't deal her in, she watched and--maybe, who knows?--got some enjoyment out of it.
Saying goodbye was, as always, something I wanted to get over with. I whispered to her "I love you" and, as I always do, "wait for me." I'm not even sure what I mean by that, but I've been saying it to her since we were children. Betty has a big picture window and Carolyn took this picture of Ellen and me as we waved goodbye: 
Traffic was horrendus going back to Ventura, but we got in at 5:30. Dinner had already been served, but I got two bagels and salmons, one I ate then, the other for a nightime snack. While I ate in the dining room, Ellen went up to my apartment to do a few businees things for me. When I went back up, we visited for a time, then said goodbye. How I could ever got along without her, I never want to contemplate.
As for my overall feeling about the day, Thomas Wolfe said it best in Look Homeward, Angel:
"O lost, and by the wind grieved/Ghost, come back again."
😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
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